Dawn of Wedding Man
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By: Aaron Y.
Submitted
2010-03-10 07:30:49 |
The marriage is one of the oldest and time honored institutions around and it is still thriving today. It all started back in the early years of humankind with a cave dweller who went by the name Crotch. Back in the days of Crotch, things were much less complicated then today. Back then, if you wanted a woman, you hit her over the head when the other tribe people were not looking and drug her back to your cave. There, the two of you lived happily, as she cleaned the cave and cooked the meat and the lucky cave man sniffed out food for the family. Prehistoric man had a much keener sense of smell than we do today.
It was tribal law the you used the name of your job as your last name, a law passed down by Hanker Chief, Since Crotch was the best in the tribe at sniffing out dangerous Dinosaurs when they were near Crotch went by his new name Sniffing.
And so it came to pass that Crotch Sniffing, who was a confirmed bachelor, decided it was time to take a wife. He picked out a good trail and waited for the tribe s people to make the trek from the river to the camp. Sure enough, the cave woman he had his eye on, whose job it was to gather sticks for the village fires at night, lagged behind everyone else picking up sticks. So Crotch Sniffing waited for Joy Sticker to come by alone, her arms full of sticks so he could jump out and hit her over the head.
On cue, Crotch Sniffing jumped out to whack Joy Sticker not realizing that her father Groggy Nut Picker was with her, doing his job picking nuts for the village picnic the following day. Now, Groggy Nut Picker was no village idiot. (That was Elliot s job) He saw Crotch Sniffing behind a tree and knew instantly what he was up to. Not a cave man to miss an opportunity, he confronted Crotch Sniffing and made him a deal. He could take his daughter but only under certain conditions. Crotch Sniffing would have to provide Groggy Nut Picker s family with food every day and had to agree to name his first son after him.
To make it legal Groggy Nut Picker took his daughter Joy Sticker, Crotch Sniffing and a witness to Grudge Judger to perform a ceremony that would bind Crotch Sniffing to the agreement. They named this new ceremony Wedding and Crotch Sniffing had to provide all the people of the village with wedding favors but to Peter Leader, who was the Mayor of the village, he had to provide Unique wedding favors because of his standing in the community.
The entire village turned out for the new wedding ceremony, which took place at the village picnic, and they had a huge celebration. Even booty, the cave woman who wiped every plate clean as a whistle after ever town picnic showed up for the festivities. It was an event that no one ever forgot and from that day forward, everyone chose a wife in this fashion.
As for Crotch Sniffing and his wife Joy Sticker, they had a son and true to their word, they named him after her father. Of course, Crotch Sniffing was such a proud man that he gave him his name as well. The day he was born they took little Crotch Sniffing Nut Picker to the center of the village and introduced him to everyone. The village rejoiced.
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